Still.

 Our cat Ash is watching out the window patiently  waiting for Katie to come home from work. I'm basically doing the same today. I was waiting on a phone call today which only has about another 45 minutes of happening. Because if it doesn't happen today, I don't know if it ever will. I think I've been blacklisted from IT in the State of Rhode Island due to the fact I've worked for 8 or so Managed Service Providers over the last 10 years and my reputation is far from stellar. It's not that i did bad work... it's more so that each company has it's only portion to hide and me being an insider could be a threat to their organizations. Or at least, that's my guess. We only have enough money for next months rent... After that it's gonna be chaotic around the house and in our lives. My hallucinations have been acting up far worse that usual. I was out in public and heard a woman yell out FRAUD like she was angry at me... even though i have no idea who she was or what she was talking about a moment before hand. I have an angry bar tender yelling in my head a lot... and the Providence Police officer has been a lot of talking lately. All that said... I can't tell if i am a California Psychic or if I've completed cracked up. Either way I've been thinking about suicide lately. Basically a way to get out of the situation and move on into another reality. I mean... what is death if not the passing from this physical realm to some other reality which is either pure light... or pure darkness. The only saving grace is that when i attempted suicide at 22 i failed. Meaning if there is a god and it didn't want me to die when i was 22... Here i am in my final month of my 3rd 13 year cycle wondering why the hell it kept me around. Or maybe i didn't wake up... maybe when i attempted suicide i passed into another reality... neither heaven nor hell... not darkness nor the light... and ended up on some warped timeline where the Villain wins and Evil triumphs over good. That's what happens when i watch the news at least. 

 The only thing i do know... is that Faith is powerful... and i have faith that i didn't die at 22 for a reason. And i have faith my our situation will improve with time. I just need to rain in my impulsiveness long enough for things to work out... because if i keep trying to rush things... I'll be dead before i know it. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A couple of weeks to reset.

Recently, I got a new job. When i went to put in my two weeks at my existing job management indicated that I didn't have to come in and could be discharged early if i wanted. So i said ok. I've had about 2 weeks off by this point and I start my new job on Monday the 28th. I'm looking forward to it.  While I've been off, I've been tending to things around the house and becoming more active. I've been able to go to the gym virtually any time i want... and the wife and I even took up Basketball today. I'm hoping that i can spend this fall / winter / spring getting my physical health in order while at the same time advancing my career. I am also working on Quitting smoking. Today is day 3 of 56 in the program. I'm expecting my sense of smell to improve sometime in the next 24 hours. Usually it kicks in between day 3 and day 5. It usually comes on suddenly and without warning. All of a sudden the smells of the room I'm in are overly amplified. Which can h...
Read more

Please support a career change

  It's time for a career change. I have been in the IT industry since 2003 and really don't have much to show for it except a mental condition. I recently started a new job and while it's a great company with great coworkers, I feel I need time out of the IT industry to reset and recharge. Now, I know what you're thinking. This guy just wants to sit on his ass all day and play video games, but it's not true. I've been a registered UBER driver for 10 years now. I've done it on and off when expenses were tight over the years, but I want to do it full time. Why drive, you ask? Well, by nature I'm extroverted, so I enjoy talking to people. UBER gives me the chance to socialize with people I might not normally interact with, and that can be a fun experience. I once met a boat worker that I spent 1 1/2 hours driving to a marina so he could grab a ferry home. It was a long car ride, but it was interesting to learn about his profession. With IT, I've become ...
Read more

Things are on the Up!

I started the new job about three weeks back. The training scheduled has been good. The first week was mainly policies and trainings. The Second week was shadowing with my team members. And last week was me being shadowed while another Engineer monitored. I believe I have at least 1 to 2 more weeks of that... then I'll be off and running on my own until I adjust for to my actual position. I've had two onsite engagements so far with my direct coworker. And I have several more lined up over the next two weeks. Overall, I'm happy about the position. It's lead to a mindset shift for both me and my wife.  Over the past couple of weeks we've been more engaged in our marriage and shared goals. I'm optimistic about the future. And I'm looking forward to the next few months. 
Read more