T.A. Michaels

 The truth is... I'm worried about the future. It would seem like the end of my 3rd 13 year cycle is really more about closing one chapter and beginning to look towards a new future. I'm starting to think in terms of "Where do it want to be at 53?" The end of my 4th 13 year cycle. If I want to be in a position where i'm of sound mind and body... financially stable... and on solid ground... The changes need to be made today... rather than sometime off in the future.  Over the last 13 years (My drinking years).... I've been in rough shape despite having some of the best opportunities presented to me. Drugs and Alcohol really do fuck a persons life up... No matter what age you start trying them. But... can a soul be redeemed from the darkness once it's gone down the downward spiral to the pit of depression and addiction? I don't know.... but to hell with waiting around for things to change on their own... If they are going to change... it's going to b...

 Our cat Ash is watching out the window patiently  waiting for Katie to come home from work. I'm basically doing the same today. I was waiting on a phone call today which only has about another 45 minutes of happening. Because if it doesn't happen today, I don't know if it ever will. I think I've been blacklisted from IT in the State of Rhode Island due to the fact I've worked for 8 or so Managed Service Providers over the last 10 years and my reputation is far from stellar. It's not that i did bad work... it's more so that each company has it's only portion to hide and me being an insider could be a threat to their organizations. Or at least, that's my guess. We only have enough money for next months rent... After that it's gonna be chaotic around the house and in our lives. My hallucinations have been acting up far worse that usual. I was out in public and heard a woman yell out FRAUD like she was angry at me... even though i have no idea who s...

 So, seeing as I'm now out of work again I figure my current system isn't working. If i want to be successful in business and in life, then i need to get my basics down. Recently, I've started making sheets on excel to track what I'm doing everyday. they range everything from Diet and exercise to mood and symptoms. If i don't start tracking this stuff then I'm never going to make progress. While it's easy to put these items into practice using 1000s of apps... i found that just writing it all down on a few excel spreadsheets and tracking it by hand several times a day is a lot easier to remember. And it gets me off my phone. Lately I've be "Doom Scrolling" without any real purpose and what ends up happening is eventually the AI algorithm starts showing me videos of people dying in car crashes. Not exactly what makes me happy ya know. So I've got my lists and that's what I'll be working on for the foreseeable future while i attempt t...

 No sooner did i mention that I have a new job, was i laid off for excessive days off. It's really for the birds. Here i am a disabled person who wants to work... and I've had an incredibly hard time hold down a job this year. Whether it be manic episodes due to the medication my doctor put me on, or the company pulling a bait and switch and finding due to that I'm not qualified for the position, to being out sick a couple of days and getting let go... this year has been terrible. While I've had frequent thoughts of a permanent "Out" for myself from this life... it would seem like a waste to get from an unsuccessful suicide attempt in 2008 to giving it another go 17 years later. I feel like if i survived the first attempt... then i must be here on this planet for some reason so i need to make the best of my time. Even in poor health, an optimistic attitude can make the difference between healing or not.   I don't know what my plan is now. But, i know that ...

 I recently started a new job at the beginning of September and my body and mind have been through the ringer since I started. The job itself is good, fairly low stress and a good team of people... But for some reason every time i start a new job i end up catching the office cold. During the first week on the job my Gallbladder (which has been giving me issues since last year) decided to start acting up. While it could be a lot worse, i am just grateful that that is calming down. This past weekend however, when UBER driving on Sunday, I started to feel a sharp pain in my back which can be linked to one of four things - Stress, Muscle spasm, Gallbladder Disease, or a Heart Attack. My initial thoughts were that the issue was a heart attack after sitting for an extended period of time, but that turned out to not be the case. The pain went away on Tuesday and started to get better and now i only feel slight pain if i twist the wrong way... so im chalking that up to a muscle spasm. Tues...

  It's something I said to to a coworker back when I worked at a job last October. And it signaled a relapse for drinking alcohol that I'm still dealing with today. It's been nearly 10 months since I started drinking alcohol again… and it hasn't really done me any favors. While it did put me in good standing with everyone at the bar (sorta)… It put me in negative standing with every member of my family. Mainly My Wife, My Parents, and the cats. While Matchy and Ash understand that I have to go out and do a man's work… Hunting / Gathering… I don’t know if what I've been hunting and searching for has paid off. At the end of the day it really is just us in a room with the animals. I can't protect everyone… even if I tried to. People are going to make their own bed at the end of the day.   I'm not really sure why I am giving someone I know the book The Satanic Versus by Salman Rushdie. Personally I felt like it was a cursed book because once I started r...

So, today marks 61 days since last smoking a cigarette. That's 5 days off of the Nicotine Replacement Therapy (Patches) and I haven't slipped. While this should be a major accomplishment for me, I'm just disappointed that this didn't take place back in 2021 when i initially started to attempt to quit smoking cigarettes. The Money saved over the last 4 years would have been tremendous and it likely would have prevent a whole slew of terrible things from happening over the last few years. Being addicted to Cigarettes is dangerous and the length that people go through to attempt to justify their addictions is ridiculous. Considering Cigarettes cost over $5,000 a year to be a pack a day smoker here in New England... i could have stood to keep the $20,000 that i spent on cigarettes over the last 4 years. What i am doing is finding that I'm having a bit less "Get up and go" and I'm also gaining weight at a rather shitty pace. I know that its just the "a...

 A lot has changed over the last few months. I briefly had a job after returning from Disability, but i found the demands of the job were something that i wasn't capable of handling so it didn't work out. I'm still looking to return to the work force, but i don't think I'll be returning at the same level i left it. While i had been a L4 / Supervisor... I think when i return to work i want to come in at an L2 / L3. There is a lot less pressure to perform at that level and it is ultimately less risk for our household. While we need to be making a certain dollar amount each month / I feel that i can make up the difference between my other income sources. I have setup both a T-Shirt Business as well as published a book this year so its in my interest to see those two avenues flourish. I haven't been writing here as consistently as previous years. Truth is I'm spending more of my time writing in either One Note or just a plain old notebook.  Last month, I receive...

 I was reorganizing my desk today and moved my computer and in doing so i heard a pop and felt it in my back. I dont know if i mentioned this before, but sometime last year i was picking up a server at work and when i leaned back with it in my arms, i felt a crunch. My back has been kinda iffy ever since. Other than some mild discomfort and pain, life is good.