Skip to main content

July First & Beyond

Today is June 30th. January first was 179 Days ago. December 31st is 184 days. So technically even though we mark the end of the first 6 months of the year today. We are still less than half way through the year. The half way mark will be July 2nd at 12 noon. I'll try to always remember that. That way, when i attempt to make changes in my life. As long as I make the change by July 1st... It will have been done within the first half of the year.  

As I embark on another life journey tonight, I go into it knowing that there is hope for us. Even though the month of June has had many sad moments for those I care about... I know that this is the cycle of life. And not some twisted sense of fate which is driving those closest to me to sorrow. I've thought about consulting a priest... but to be honest that doesn't fall in line with my "faith." I think in the end... a monk would be a better person to talk to. 

I'll end my crusade against the memories of those who were unjust. I'll end my crusade against those who have damaged the world. Not because they are right... but because I am powerless. One man cannot fight a king and his army.... no matter how large or small that army may be. My pawn will never win against the opponent with all their pieces still on the table. I've played chess enough times to know that's the moment to forfeit. 

Sanity is a delicate balance. While my neighbor screams out his window to "repent" while i think to myself "what do you want me to do?" It either has to be pure coincidence... or pure insanity. While my neighbors talk about the degenerate that lives in my apartments... who gives them creepy looks... they smile to my face... and we barely say a word to each other aside from "hello." These types of paranoid delusions hurt the mind, the destroy the body, and damage the soul. In a town where everyone knows you through social media... dating websites... and word of mouth... the only option is to move to another town - state - country.... but even then... the demons of your past will haunt you from the dark prison of your mind screaming to come into the light.

I had a dream that I could not wake up from this morning. I've never felt so terrified and frustrated. I heard my alarm going off... and at first I wandered a field filled with cars trying to find my alarm... Then when I realized I was asleep.... I couldn't wake out of it. It was extremely vivid. Lucid even. I never want to be in a dream that I can't wake up from. Because if it were only a dream... The beauty would wear off... and the reality of the prison would set in. The prison of the mind is one of the worst places to be trapped. Especially when your thoughts are screaming to be set free. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A lot of planning...

 So, seeing as I'm now out of work again I figure my current system isn't working. If i want to be successful in business and in life, then i need to get my basics down. Recently, I've started making sheets on excel to track what I'm doing everyday. they range everything from Diet and exercise to mood and symptoms. If i don't start tracking this stuff then I'm never going to make progress. While it's easy to put these items into practice using 1000s of apps... i found that just writing it all down on a few excel spreadsheets and tracking it by hand several times a day is a lot easier to remember. And it gets me off my phone. Lately I've be "Doom Scrolling" without any real purpose and what ends up happening is eventually the AI algorithm starts showing me videos of people dying in car crashes. Not exactly what makes me happy ya know. So I've got my lists and that's what I'll be working on for the foreseeable future while i attempt t...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Bit of Hope on a Cloudy Afternoon.

Tonight we are heading over our friends' house to have dinner and hang out for a while. December 10th isn't really a memorable date. But every year around this time of year things start to happen that give tiny moments like these a real feeling of warming. Today even, it was nearly 60 degrees at one point today and it made this brutal cold seem bearable. It's not safe to be outside during the darkest of winter. Cold brings out the worst in people, and overall it's hard to handle because it also brings out the despair in people. Merge the two together and you could be looking at a cold dark society which emerges in the spring jaded working every year to bring happiness into ones life only to suffer the cold dark winter the following year. Today i have hope though. Recently i was inspired after talking with people that care about me. The best part is... a renewed sense of hope can alter the mind in such a way... it's better than any drug or substance that you can use ...
Post a Comment
Read more

No Sooner Did I Say....

 No sooner did i mention that I have a new job, was i laid off for excessive days off. It's really for the birds. Here i am a disabled person who wants to work... and I've had an incredibly hard time hold down a job this year. Whether it be manic episodes due to the medication my doctor put me on, or the company pulling a bait and switch and finding due to that I'm not qualified for the position, to being out sick a couple of days and getting let go... this year has been terrible. While I've had frequent thoughts of a permanent "Out" for myself from this life... it would seem like a waste to get from an unsuccessful suicide attempt in 2008 to giving it another go 17 years later. I feel like if i survived the first attempt... then i must be here on this planet for some reason so i need to make the best of my time. Even in poor health, an optimistic attitude can make the difference between healing or not.   I don't know what my plan is now. But, i know that ...
Post a Comment
Read more