T.A. Michaels

 So, the goal of quitting Alcohol, Cigarettes, and THC is a bit harder than one would imagine. What i am finding is that the fact that i still have Weed.... Means I keep smoking Weed. But with that said.... I can only smoke weed on day's I'm not working... and considering I've smoked weed nearly every day this week... it's meant I haven't been able to work. Weed and Cigarettes sorta go hand-in-hand. While i don't have to smoke a bowl every time I smoke a cigarette, i do find that every time i smoke a bowl, i end up having a cigarette. Surprisingly I find that quitting drinking was far easier than giving up either Cigarettes or THC. It may be that i wasn't truly addicted to Alcohol... or it may be that because the worst of the withdrawal symptoms were over the course of the first week... being several weeks sober now I dont reflect on the negative aspects of the quitting. In theory i should do the same for Tobacco and THC. THC is easier to quit because you ha...

A rapid change in priorities has me on the fence regarding quitting both Cannabis and Tobacco sooner than the 90 Day minimum as i had originally planned. With that said, going nearly 50 days sober has been good for me. My skin is clearing up (I was prone to acne while drinking beer), and overall my weight is slowly dropping (Down to 226.4lbs from 230lb+ at the start of the journey).  Overall, I am optimistic regarding the situation. I was originally shooting for the 90 day mark with quitting Nicotine entirely, but i feel that it should be something achievable in the next few days. While Cannabis generally costs less (1 8th costing between $15 and $30) vs $16.00 for a single pack of cigarettes. I feel that in the near future it might be worth while to buy a half ounce.... and then when that runs out call it a day on cannabis. (Odd for someone who ran www.gethighri.com, right?) I have formally left my job as of last week. The situation was becoming to dangerous. One guy was constantl...

For some reason I thought things would get easier simply by quitting alcohol, but what I'm finding is that I'm struggling far worse now than when i was having a few drinks on the weekends. I know the old saying goes: "It's always darkest before the dawn." But, as someone who feels like they've been in the dark for years... I'm questioning when twilight will hit and the sunrise will be on the horizon. It's a general sense of restlessness that has taken over to be honest. A sense that what I'm doing isn't what I want to be doing. After the struggles of last year I know that in the worst of scenarios, my wife and I will get through whatever comes our way because we have each other. She knows I'm unhappy. She knows I'm struggling. She knows I want a different life. And I know she is willing to support my decisions whatever they may be.  Something that has dramatically fallen off since I've gotten sober is my personal hygiene. I don'...

This past week was a bit hard for me. Recently, after a mental health episode, i had met with my Mental Health Nurse Practitioner to discuss some things that were going on with me. She told me something that I've had a hard time wrapping my head around. She indicated that I may have been miss diagnosed when i was 23. My symptoms present more like Dissociative Identity Disorder rather than Schizo-affective Disorder. After some time reflecting on this, I believe she is right. When i was little, there were a few traumatic experiences that i lived through and based on what happened immediately afterwards, i would assume DID would be a more likely diagnosis. See, with DID, when the mind attempts to protect itself from traumatic experiences, the child or individual will suffer amnesia. And i can remember at least 3 separate instances from early childhood where my memory ends immediately once the trauma began (Remembering the last moment before the abuse occurred) but then during and afte...

It's Friday. This weekend promises to be busy. I am planning on Uber Driving Saturday and Sunday for 8-12 hours each day. Tomorrow morning I have to clean and prep my car before hitting the road. While I am looking forward to the added income, I know I'll probably be in a bad mood by the end of the weekend. Oddly enough, I've found that money is an awesome motivator, but when I have none my mood fluctuates dramatically. I think its the fact that im working 40 hours (plus 10 hours driving each week) and by payday I have no money left to my name.  I know it has caused a lot of tension between me and my wife, but the problem is the cost of living in Rhode Island (As well as the rest of the North East) is too damn high. I would blame it on my wife's career choices... but i know thats not the root cause. With inflation up nearly 40% since the beginning of the Covid Pandemic in 2019, its hard to remain optimistic when my income hasn't gone up by 40% over the same time per...

Its been quite a few days with mild reflection on recent events. I haven't ended up quitting smoking yet, but i feel like im inching closer to pulling the trigger on quitting Cigarettes for good. The cost of a pack of Marlboro's has exceeded $16.50 at most stores in Rhode Island and that is directly online with minimum wage. While it wouldn't be a problem if I only smoked when I drank (which im no longer drinking) The problem becomes the days I buy two packs of cigarettes. (Or more). Spending $33 dollars... or spending $48.50 on cigarettes in a single day is unreasonable and ultimately where I need to draw the line. Which i feel is what is prompting me to quit sooner than later. If for nothing else than the cost savings.  Things at work haven't been that great lately. The monday before my vacation one of my coworkers called me a Fag. (It doesnt mean you like men, it just means your weak - paraphrasing his words of course). And yesterday when onsite at a client's loc...

Overall I had a good vacation. I got most of the stuff accomplished that I wanted to, as well as had time to relax. Being 15 Days sober as of today, I have found that I am much happier when I'm not drinking (or going through withdrawals) than when i am drinking. This coming week at work promises to be busy. I'll be spending most of Monday Morning going through e-mails and getting caught up on this past week. Then by the afternoon, I'll be off to the races. My next Scheduled Vacation day is my Birthday in November. Between now and then I believe we have labor day off, but that is about it. Maybe columbus Day, but I am not to sure about that.  Over the next few months i do have to take a couple of afternoons off for medical reasons. I am getting an ultrasound on my gallbladder to see if my internal organs are doing OK. I'm prone to gallstones so my doctor ordered the scan. Either i've got a bad gallbladder, as they will be able to detect, or I'm healthy... Either ...

 The past few days of my vacation have been good. I registered my Car Monday, and went for a physical on Tuesday. Wednesday i kinda just slacked off, and Yesterday my wife and I got coffee in the morning at a place where our friend works, then went swimming in a salt water pool, and then went to the movies to see a theatrical release of Hadestown, the Broadway musical. Last night my wife went down to house sit for the remainder of the weekend so me and the cats are flying solo this weekend. Currently i don't have to many plans. My parents requested that I go to dinner with them tonight, but as of right now, i don't know if that is going to happen. My plans for today are to go get a haircut today at 11:00am, then Uber drive for the majority of the afternoon (Noon to 4pm), then stop home and reassess if i am going to go see them or not. It really all depends on two factors. A.) how much money I have earned. and B.) where i am at 4pm. For instance, the other day (Wednesday)... i d...

 It's Tuesday morning. I didn't end up writing yesterday because when i started to write... i got distracted and didn't manage to finish the entry. I am on vacation this week and overall it was a good day yesterday. Today i am hoping will be the same.  Yesterday morning I took my car down to the VIN Check station in Cranston to have my car verified that it wasn't stolen. From there, i briefly went to Goddard Park and found that i could reschedule my DMV Reservation that was originally for today - to yesterday morning. By 11:00am i had the new plates for my car, and by noon the car had been registered with Uber so that i can resume driving as a sub-contractor again. Other than they yesterday was pretty uneventful. Today, I woke up originally around 7:30 but decided to sleep in until about 10. The only thing on my agenda today is to go get a physical. It's at 4:30pm in Warwick.  My wife should be home from work in about 2 hours. She is house sitting for a friend at th...

Im currently sitting outside my Therapists office for a 1pm appointment. It sure has been a hell of a month. I usually see him once a month on Saturdays. Its usually more of a venting session than anything going else but he does provide some useful information. After therapy today I have to hit the bank to deposit some cash, then after that head home. I want to wash my car today so I may fit that in later this afternoon. Tonight, my wife and I are going to go visit some friends. I start my vacation Monday so that is what I am looking forward to.  On my vacation, Tuesday I am going to register my car finally, and on Wednesday I think I am going to get lunch with my father. I probably mentioned this previously but hes about 14 years into a Parkinsons diagnosis so its not always that easy seeing him, but i want to because there wont be to many days left that I can see him without him being to mentally disabled to enjoy it. Thursday I am going with my wife down to my uncle's to go swim...

I forgot my laptop today so I am writing this post on my cell phone. Last Friday night I kinda went all in on Alcohol... and I paid the price during this past week while going through withdrawals. I see now that the worst of it is over. While it generally takes 7 to 21 days for the overall withdrawal symptoms to subside, I feel I have a clearer mind today as a result of giving up the sauce last week. I am going to keep this post brief, but the most important thing I want to do is thank my wife for putting up with me through the worst of it. I also want to thank the rest of my family and friends for supporting me through the last year and a half during my relapse. The reason for the relapse may not make sense to some, but i had a friend verbally attack me for something the guy sitting next to me had said. It threw me into a violent spiral of thoughts because at first I didn't know what the hell i did. Him being a social worker (who also said he thought I was Jesus at one point) and ...

 So I believe I have a plan of action for everything over the course of the next 90 days. My goals in terms of quitting nicotine and quitting THC are going to be outlined below. Since i am past the worst of my alcohol withdrawal symptoms, i feel that i need to make a decent attempt at staying sober for a prolonged period of time before i attempt to move on to either nicotine or THC. So... for the next 90 days, i am going to work on getting us back on track financially first. Based on my projects, we are going to be short for the month of July, but should have a Very small surplus starting in August... Providing that is true, we should be able to start building savings over the next three months with the goal being having a surplus at the end of each month rather than a deficit. The way to accomplish this is to maximize income while reducing expenses. Spending between 20 and 100 dollars a day on alcohol is rough on the bottom line... but now that that's no longer happening... in the...

 I think I'm past the worst of it of the withdrawals. While I had been adamant when arguing with my wife previously that i wasn't an alcoholic... i did find the time period between day 3 and day 5 to be the most difficult, with dramatic mood swings and an attitude of Fuck everything. My only advice i have is that if you drink fairly regularly... and do not consider yourself an alcoholic... it might be worth giving up the sauce for a few days to test whether or not you are. If you find you have cold sweats, tremors, or just racing thoughts in general - you'd be wise to quit entirely for a while because that is a sign that your body is addicted to alcohol... even if you stand by the the fact that you are "not" an alcoholic. Remember - the first step is admitting you have a problem. My mind is in a much better place than it was yesterday, and after having a conversation with my wife yesterday she is going to go easier on me in the future... and i in turn will try to ...

Shit sucks. Simply stated. Since last night ive been having major mood swings and my wife has been attacking me rather than showing compassion. Im the one with a mental disorder while going through alcohol withdrawals. I really dont know what her fucking problem is. But I told her if she doesnt wanna be with me then she doesnt have to be. Maybe thats too harsh or too rash... but I dont want to get attacked everyday anymore. If im supporting the household on my income... and supporting her... then she needs to lay the fuck off. 

This morning didnt go as planned. I was up before my alarm around 4:45am but didnt get out of bed until about 6:00am. I found it kept waking up throughout the night either because my wife and moved a few inches or because one of our cats had started misbehaving. To top it off, my bank account was empty so when I got to the shell station for my normal pack of cigarettes and a red bull I didnt have the money to buy them. Thats the problem with most addiction people dont talk about. Its possible to make great money on your pay day and be completely broke by monday... vice is a huge expense for virtually everyone that participates... and drinking can be even more damaging to the wallet than other vices... because a pack of cigarettes may cost 16 bucks... but thats the equivalent of 1 red bull and vodka with tip... but anyone who is a drinker knows that you dont stop at just one drink. When I got to work I asked my wife to spot me $25 so I could get smokes and a redbull... luckily I went wi...

 Thinking back on my last drinking experience, where i must have drank 6 or 7 Redbull and Vodka's... I am legitimately questioning how day 3-4 are going to go with quitting. I've found that any time in the past that i've attempted this (Say in the last year), i have been met with Massive chills, racing thoughts, bouts of anger, and ultimately relapsed. Right after i had gotten married (Which i might have even written about here), i quit drinking as my new wife had wanted that for me. So i did, for roughly a period of 2 years. There was a guy which brought me to my one and only AA meeting and it was an eye opening experience listing to a man who just got his one year chip and ended up recounting the story of how he nearly lost everything and was not rebuilding after being one year sober. His name.... i don't remember, And i guess thats the point of AA.... is that you shouldn't be going around shouting out its members names. In an effort to be somewhat stable in this ...

Today I feel hopeful that I'll be in a good position to quit alcohol in the long run. Overtime it's for the best, to start with the most destructive addiction first, and then slowly remove all vices. In terms of drugs... i started with nicotine, then moved on to marijuana, then moved on to alcohol... therefore... if i am to quit, i need to go in the reverse order so that it actually works. Otherwise I'll be dead before my 45th birthday. My wife finds it interesting that i have these addictions, knowing that at least two people i have known have died from Alcohol poisoning. Sure, tobacco kills.... but smoking a pack isn't going to kill you in a night. While it might be highly addictive... its not the worst of the three demons. That is why today is day one of no alcohol... and not day one addiction free. If i try to quit drinking.. while also trying to quit smoking cigarettes and pot... i feel I'll end up far worse of than i started. And, as several health care profes...

I presently find myself fighting a tough battle that I didn't realize I was in until now. I would say that I am functionally addicted to both Drugs and Alcohol. Ever since they legalized cannabis in The State of Rhode Island, I have found that I am buying weed at an alarming rate, Sometimes spending $20 - $40 Dollars a day everyday during the week to buy Pre-Rolls so that i can purchase an consume them. While part of me wanted to become a expert on Marijuana, what I am finding is the interaction between the THC and the rest of my mental health medication is quite debilitating. Often times, after smoking I find myself unable to calm down. Constantly racing around to clean up messes that aren't really messes.... but more so things i become hyper obsessed with in the moment. Having a clean house is one thing, but having a clean mind and body is far greater of an achievement. The issue I've found with attempting to quit smoking Cannabis is that usually between day 2 and day 4 o...

Tomorrow i start a new job as a Senior IT Support Engineer. I'm excited by the prospect of working for this company because it's been around for over 20 years. I used to remember hearing their commercials either on the radio or on TV when i was younger. The salary is in the middle of the range that i had given them for what i was willing to offer which was honestly 10k more than i was expecting. I'm cautiously optimistic that i might have a chance of being at this job for longer than a few months. In 2025 i got two jobs but neither one lasted more than a month. I would personally like to be at this job for at least 10 years. 10 years from now I'll be 50... and I'm thinking that if i could stay at a job for that long, it would give both Katie and I a while to enjoy some stability. I am thinking it is going to take around 3-4 years to get us out of the debt that we've been in for quite some time. Most of our debt repayment had to get placed on hold last year becau...

It's snowing outside. We are expecting to get between 12 and 18 inches here in Rhode Island. While the white out conditions are good for relaxing, I would have preferred to start my new Job this coming Monday rather than having it pushed back by a week. With that said, I'm grateful to be starting a new job at all. This feels more like a real job than the last few that i had. There is no 90 day wait period for benefits. They start on Day 1 which gives me some hope that the company i am going to go work for is a real company and not just a few Techs in a room servicing 200 Companies. I realize now that the difference between 10k in salary was me getting a question wrong during the interview. I didn't necessarily get the question wrong... i just didn't know the answer and i told them that i didn't know the answer. It was probably better than telling them the wrong answer and bullshitting it. When it comes to IT terms, it's either true or false.  This week coming up...

We are 7 days into the new year and it reminds me of a game i played with a friend a few times - 7 Days to Die. Now, I'm not saying i have an onslaught of Zombies chasing me around a build your own world game.... but some days it does feel that way. I don't have many goals for 2026 but the ones I do have count. I'm 40, and obese so my first and primary goal is to get my weight back to the "overweight" category. For my height... that is roughly 185 lbs. I haven't yet decided exactly how i am going to lose the 45 lbs to get me to this goal... and considering basically everything i have tried over the last few years has failed.... i figure it's a matter of trying something new and different to get the job done. The first of which is switching all drinking to strictly water. I figure if instead of Red Bull or soda a few times a week... i am only drinking water... it might improve things. And switching out my Morning Cold Brew for Strictly water might help some...