T.A. Michaels

It's Friday. This weekend promises to be busy. I am planning on Uber Driving Saturday and Sunday for 8-12 hours each day. Tomorrow morning I have to clean and prep my car before hitting the road. While I am looking forward to the added income, I know I'll probably be in a bad mood by the end of the weekend. Oddly enough, I've found that money is an awesome motivator, but when I have none my mood fluctuates dramatically. I think its the fact that im working 40 hours (plus 10 hours driving each week) and by payday I have no money left to my name.  I know it has caused a lot of tension between me and my wife, but the problem is the cost of living in Rhode Island (As well as the rest of the North East) is too damn high. I would blame it on my wife's career choices... but i know thats not the root cause. With inflation up nearly 40% since the beginning of the Covid Pandemic in 2019, its hard to remain optimistic when my income hasn't gone up by 40% over the same time per...

Its been quite a few days with mild reflection on recent events. I haven't ended up quitting smoking yet, but i feel like im inching closer to pulling the trigger on quitting Cigarettes for good. The cost of a pack of Marlboro's has exceeded $16.50 at most stores in Rhode Island and that is directly online with minimum wage. While it wouldn't be a problem if I only smoked when I drank (which im no longer drinking) The problem becomes the days I buy two packs of cigarettes. (Or more). Spending $33 dollars... or spending $48.50 on cigarettes in a single day is unreasonable and ultimately where I need to draw the line. Which i feel is what is prompting me to quit sooner than later. If for nothing else than the cost savings.  Things at work haven't been that great lately. The monday before my vacation one of my coworkers called me a Fag. (It doesnt mean you like men, it just means your weak - paraphrasing his words of course). And yesterday when onsite at a client's loc...

Overall I had a good vacation. I got most of the stuff accomplished that I wanted to, as well as had time to relax. Being 15 Days sober as of today, I have found that I am much happier when I'm not drinking (or going through withdrawals) than when i am drinking. This coming week at work promises to be busy. I'll be spending most of Monday Morning going through e-mails and getting caught up on this past week. Then by the afternoon, I'll be off to the races. My next Scheduled Vacation day is my Birthday in November. Between now and then I believe we have labor day off, but that is about it. Maybe columbus Day, but I am not to sure about that.  Over the next few months i do have to take a couple of afternoons off for medical reasons. I am getting an ultrasound on my gallbladder to see if my internal organs are doing OK. I'm prone to gallstones so my doctor ordered the scan. Either i've got a bad gallbladder, as they will be able to detect, or I'm healthy... Either ...

 The past few days of my vacation have been good. I registered my Car Monday, and went for a physical on Tuesday. Wednesday i kinda just slacked off, and Yesterday my wife and I got coffee in the morning at a place where our friend works, then went swimming in a salt water pool, and then went to the movies to see a theatrical release of Hadestown, the Broadway musical. Last night my wife went down to house sit for the remainder of the weekend so me and the cats are flying solo this weekend. Currently i don't have to many plans. My parents requested that I go to dinner with them tonight, but as of right now, i don't know if that is going to happen. My plans for today are to go get a haircut today at 11:00am, then Uber drive for the majority of the afternoon (Noon to 4pm), then stop home and reassess if i am going to go see them or not. It really all depends on two factors. A.) how much money I have earned. and B.) where i am at 4pm. For instance, the other day (Wednesday)... i d...

 It's Tuesday morning. I didn't end up writing yesterday because when i started to write... i got distracted and didn't manage to finish the entry. I am on vacation this week and overall it was a good day yesterday. Today i am hoping will be the same.  Yesterday morning I took my car down to the VIN Check station in Cranston to have my car verified that it wasn't stolen. From there, i briefly went to Goddard Park and found that i could reschedule my DMV Reservation that was originally for today - to yesterday morning. By 11:00am i had the new plates for my car, and by noon the car had been registered with Uber so that i can resume driving as a sub-contractor again. Other than they yesterday was pretty uneventful. Today, I woke up originally around 7:30 but decided to sleep in until about 10. The only thing on my agenda today is to go get a physical. It's at 4:30pm in Warwick.  My wife should be home from work in about 2 hours. She is house sitting for a friend at th...

Im currently sitting outside my Therapists office for a 1pm appointment. It sure has been a hell of a month. I usually see him once a month on Saturdays. Its usually more of a venting session than anything going else but he does provide some useful information. After therapy today I have to hit the bank to deposit some cash, then after that head home. I want to wash my car today so I may fit that in later this afternoon. Tonight, my wife and I are going to go visit some friends. I start my vacation Monday so that is what I am looking forward to.  On my vacation, Tuesday I am going to register my car finally, and on Wednesday I think I am going to get lunch with my father. I probably mentioned this previously but hes about 14 years into a Parkinsons diagnosis so its not always that easy seeing him, but i want to because there wont be to many days left that I can see him without him being to mentally disabled to enjoy it. Thursday I am going with my wife down to my uncle's to go swim...

I forgot my laptop today so I am writing this post on my cell phone. Last Friday night I kinda went all in on Alcohol... and I paid the price during this past week while going through withdrawals. I see now that the worst of it is over. While it generally takes 7 to 21 days for the overall withdrawal symptoms to subside, I feel I have a clearer mind today as a result of giving up the sauce last week. I am going to keep this post brief, but the most important thing I want to do is thank my wife for putting up with me through the worst of it. I also want to thank the rest of my family and friends for supporting me through the last year and a half during my relapse. The reason for the relapse may not make sense to some, but i had a friend verbally attack me for something the guy sitting next to me had said. It threw me into a violent spiral of thoughts because at first I didn't know what the hell i did. Him being a social worker (who also said he thought I was Jesus at one point) and ...

 So I believe I have a plan of action for everything over the course of the next 90 days. My goals in terms of quitting nicotine and quitting THC are going to be outlined below. Since i am past the worst of my alcohol withdrawal symptoms, i feel that i need to make a decent attempt at staying sober for a prolonged period of time before i attempt to move on to either nicotine or THC. So... for the next 90 days, i am going to work on getting us back on track financially first. Based on my projects, we are going to be short for the month of July, but should have a Very small surplus starting in August... Providing that is true, we should be able to start building savings over the next three months with the goal being having a surplus at the end of each month rather than a deficit. The way to accomplish this is to maximize income while reducing expenses. Spending between 20 and 100 dollars a day on alcohol is rough on the bottom line... but now that that's no longer happening... in the...

 I think I'm past the worst of it of the withdrawals. While I had been adamant when arguing with my wife previously that i wasn't an alcoholic... i did find the time period between day 3 and day 5 to be the most difficult, with dramatic mood swings and an attitude of Fuck everything. My only advice i have is that if you drink fairly regularly... and do not consider yourself an alcoholic... it might be worth giving up the sauce for a few days to test whether or not you are. If you find you have cold sweats, tremors, or just racing thoughts in general - you'd be wise to quit entirely for a while because that is a sign that your body is addicted to alcohol... even if you stand by the the fact that you are "not" an alcoholic. Remember - the first step is admitting you have a problem. My mind is in a much better place than it was yesterday, and after having a conversation with my wife yesterday she is going to go easier on me in the future... and i in turn will try to ...

Shit sucks. Simply stated. Since last night ive been having major mood swings and my wife has been attacking me rather than showing compassion. Im the one with a mental disorder while going through alcohol withdrawals. I really dont know what her fucking problem is. But I told her if she doesnt wanna be with me then she doesnt have to be. Maybe thats too harsh or too rash... but I dont want to get attacked everyday anymore. If im supporting the household on my income... and supporting her... then she needs to lay the fuck off. 

This morning didnt go as planned. I was up before my alarm around 4:45am but didnt get out of bed until about 6:00am. I found it kept waking up throughout the night either because my wife and moved a few inches or because one of our cats had started misbehaving. To top it off, my bank account was empty so when I got to the shell station for my normal pack of cigarettes and a red bull I didnt have the money to buy them. Thats the problem with most addiction people dont talk about. Its possible to make great money on your pay day and be completely broke by monday... vice is a huge expense for virtually everyone that participates... and drinking can be even more damaging to the wallet than other vices... because a pack of cigarettes may cost 16 bucks... but thats the equivalent of 1 red bull and vodka with tip... but anyone who is a drinker knows that you dont stop at just one drink. When I got to work I asked my wife to spot me $25 so I could get smokes and a redbull... luckily I went wi...

 Thinking back on my last drinking experience, where i must have drank 6 or 7 Redbull and Vodka's... I am legitimately questioning how day 3-4 are going to go with quitting. I've found that any time in the past that i've attempted this (Say in the last year), i have been met with Massive chills, racing thoughts, bouts of anger, and ultimately relapsed. Right after i had gotten married (Which i might have even written about here), i quit drinking as my new wife had wanted that for me. So i did, for roughly a period of 2 years. There was a guy which brought me to my one and only AA meeting and it was an eye opening experience listing to a man who just got his one year chip and ended up recounting the story of how he nearly lost everything and was not rebuilding after being one year sober. His name.... i don't remember, And i guess thats the point of AA.... is that you shouldn't be going around shouting out its members names. In an effort to be somewhat stable in this ...

Today I feel hopeful that I'll be in a good position to quit alcohol in the long run. Overtime it's for the best, to start with the most destructive addiction first, and then slowly remove all vices. In terms of drugs... i started with nicotine, then moved on to marijuana, then moved on to alcohol... therefore... if i am to quit, i need to go in the reverse order so that it actually works. Otherwise I'll be dead before my 45th birthday. My wife finds it interesting that i have these addictions, knowing that at least two people i have known have died from Alcohol poisoning. Sure, tobacco kills.... but smoking a pack isn't going to kill you in a night. While it might be highly addictive... its not the worst of the three demons. That is why today is day one of no alcohol... and not day one addiction free. If i try to quit drinking.. while also trying to quit smoking cigarettes and pot... i feel I'll end up far worse of than i started. And, as several health care profes...