Today is a bad day. Generally speaking when i write journal entries or blog posts.. I try to keep them upbeat and optimistic. Basically hoping for the best in the day and for life in general. Today, however, is not one of those days. Nervous optimism has given way to paranoia and suspicion. I don't know this to be true... But i feel like people are out to get me. The reason for this is a listing of recent events that have been happening.
A couple of months back.. I was at a bar and a man asked if i wanted a cigar. I said sure. The thing smelt worse than most men's Assholes. I smoked it... and if it wasn't for the fact that i had switched to a 100% water policy when going out to public places... I probably would have died. All night long i had soaking sweats and by morning... my bed, and myself smelt like someone had pissed themselves for 12 hours straight in the bed. His primary intention was to get me sent to Samuel Slater Hospital so i could be locked away for the rest of my life. Or at least that's what he had told his friends who were also at the bar. You see, he knowns I'm Schiz and I think that he thought he would be doing the public a service by killing me.
About a month or so now... I was at a bar and there was a bluegrass band with some high school students. I often enjoy live music so i try to make a point of going at least once a week to see who's playing. While i was there one of my friends was their and i forget what we were talking about... but i do remember him saying "You're Abandoned" and then in my ADHD mindset had shifted onto thinking about something else. (Similar to when my dad asked if i was sure if i wanted to get married. I zoned out, then the next thing i knew he said "she's going to die when she's 38") When i was driving home that night (I'd say between 9pm and 10pm), I was being followed by a Van which was probably about 1 foot from my bumper. I know I'm crazy... but i took evasive maneuvers and be lined it down a side street at a rate that a van wouldn't be able to do. I pulled in on the side of the road and a few seconds later the Van turned onto the street. I looked over to my right and someone had come out of their house to see what was going on (Drifting my car into a side street caused the wheels to screech. I heard the driver of the Van get out of his car... then i drove away.
Work is no better. There was one time that a former coworker came to my house early in the morning to throw something at the wall of my apartment. Him and his wife sped off into the early morning hours and I haven't seen him since. A former manager at my work quit but only after i heard him spreading person knowledge of me around the office. Most recently an employee has been making weird noises and cocking a nerf gun. I question if its that he's trying to intimidate me, if he's trying to get me to think that I'm crazy, or if he has no sense of common sense and wants get me to snap... or... if he really has no idea what he's doing and the fact that this stuff is extremely triggering for me. Another leader in my organization recently said "I want to kill myself" over something trivial. Now, for someone that's attempted suicide twice. That's also damn triggering because, well, you just shouldn't joke about suicide.
I couldn't go into work today. I didn't have the energy to face whatever was going to happen. I remember the movie conspiracy theory with Mel Gibson. The paranoid schizophrenic that cried wolf so many times that no one believed him when the government was actually after him. I don't know how the movie ended though. I hope he lived. I don't know how much more time i have left in the IT industry. I'm thinking it's probably less than 5 years. That's generally why in IT companies you'll see 30 and 40 year old managers. It's not because they have amazing credentials. It's more so that moving up the ladder is required or else the brain burns out on problem solving every issue in existence. Maybe I'm wrong on that, but it would make sense.
I'm trying to live with less regrets. If i start to feed into it... I'll deconstruct everything. From my first job in the IT industry... to taking my current job... and virtually everything in between. I don't know who's out there reading this... But let it be known that my "last wish" - was world peace. World peace is by far the deadliest wish in hindsight because all life would need to be removed from the planet... for the planet to know peace.
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