May the Fourth be With You

4 Years... 4 Years ago i was driving with Katie to go rescue two 4 week old kittens. They were in a friends driveway drinking out of a puddle for 2 days. Overnight between the 3rd and the 4th... a third kitten had died... and when i was told this... I knew what had to be done. 4 years later Brother's Ash and Matcha live comfortably with their adoptive rescue parents. I think at times they would like a little more food... and maybe have their litter box better taken care of... But every night without fail. They join Katie and Myself on our bed for a few hours of sleep. These two kitties helped me when i was struggling. And gave me a sense of purpose beyond myself when i was struggling to have one. Thanks Ash and Matchy... You guys helped heal a disabled person just by existing.

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A lot of planning...

So, seeing as I'm now out of work again I figure my current system isn't working. If i want to be successful in business and in life, then i need to get my basics down. Recently, I've started making sheets on excel to track what I'm doing everyday. they range everything from Diet and exercise to mood and symptoms. If i don't start tracking this stuff then I'm never going to make progress. While it's easy to put these items into practice using 1000s of apps... i found that just writing it all down on a few excel spreadsheets and tracking it by hand several times a day is a lot easier to remember. And it gets me off my phone. Lately I've be "Doom Scrolling" without any real purpose and what ends up happening is eventually the AI algorithm starts showing me videos of people dying in car crashes. Not exactly what makes me happy ya know. So I've got my lists and that's what I'll be working on for the foreseeable future while i attempt t...

A Bit of Hope on a Cloudy Afternoon.

Tonight we are heading over our friends' house to have dinner and hang out for a while. December 10th isn't really a memorable date. But every year around this time of year things start to happen that give tiny moments like these a real feeling of warming. Today even, it was nearly 60 degrees at one point today and it made this brutal cold seem bearable. It's not safe to be outside during the darkest of winter. Cold brings out the worst in people, and overall it's hard to handle because it also brings out the despair in people. Merge the two together and you could be looking at a cold dark society which emerges in the spring jaded working every year to bring happiness into ones life only to suffer the cold dark winter the following year. Today i have hope though. Recently i was inspired after talking with people that care about me. The best part is... a renewed sense of hope can alter the mind in such a way... it's better than any drug or substance that you can use ...

No Sooner Did I Say....

No sooner did i mention that I have a new job, was i laid off for excessive days off. It's really for the birds. Here i am a disabled person who wants to work... and I've had an incredibly hard time hold down a job this year. Whether it be manic episodes due to the medication my doctor put me on, or the company pulling a bait and switch and finding due to that I'm not qualified for the position, to being out sick a couple of days and getting let go... this year has been terrible. While I've had frequent thoughts of a permanent "Out" for myself from this life... it would seem like a waste to get from an unsuccessful suicide attempt in 2008 to giving it another go 17 years later. I feel like if i survived the first attempt... then i must be here on this planet for some reason so i need to make the best of my time. Even in poor health, an optimistic attitude can make the difference between healing or not. I don't know what my plan is now. But, i know that ...

T.A. Michaels

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