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Day 28: Zero Alcohol

This past week was a bit hard for me. Recently, after a mental health episode, i had met with my Mental Health Nurse Practitioner to discuss some things that were going on with me. She told me something that I've had a hard time wrapping my head around. She indicated that I may have been miss diagnosed when i was 23. My symptoms present more like Dissociative Identity Disorder rather than Schizo-affective Disorder. After some time reflecting on this, I believe she is right. When i was little, there were a few traumatic experiences that i lived through and based on what happened immediately afterwards, i would assume DID would be a more likely diagnosis. See, with DID, when the mind attempts to protect itself from traumatic experiences, the child or individual will suffer amnesia. And i can remember at least 3 separate instances from early childhood where my memory ends immediately once the trauma began (Remembering the last moment before the abuse occurred) but then during and after the experience having no idea what had happened afterwards. It's likely the reason I have very few memories from Childhood. And it's also the reason why my childhood isn't linear (For instance not knowing how old i was when these experiences took place, having major memory gaps between events, etc.).

While this week it's been a bit tough for me to wrap my head around, I am at least hopeful that i won't be like this forever. The reason i say that is DID has a cure. A state called fusion where the multiple identities become one again. This, personally seems impossible given i have 100's of male voices and at least 2 dozen Female and child voices in my head also. The other method for resolution is cooperation. If the mind is damaged to the point of never fusing the personality back together, then the ultimate goal is fusion. Getting to the point where all of the voices work together to better themselves rather than constantly being at odds with one another. This makes me hopeful. Because Schizoaffective disorder doesn't have a cure. Where as Dissociative Identity Disorder does. What has been tough on me this week is knowing that I could have been cured years ago if I had been properly diagnosed when i was in my 20s. 

I'm going to work with my therapist on this as far as i can, but if i require specialized treatment, I'll likely seek out of therapist or psychologist that is specifically trained to handle this disorder. The good news is that with appropriate treatment.... within 5 years i may be medication free... and living a more normal life when i turn 45. Day 28 Sober... Looking forward to day 50 

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