For some reason I thought things would get easier simply by quitting alcohol, but what I'm finding is that I'm struggling far worse now than when i was having a few drinks on the weekends. I know the old saying goes: "It's always darkest before the dawn." But, as someone who feels like they've been in the dark for years... I'm questioning when twilight will hit and the sunrise will be on the horizon. It's a general sense of restlessness that has taken over to be honest. A sense that what I'm doing isn't what I want to be doing. After the struggles of last year I know that in the worst of scenarios, my wife and I will get through whatever comes our way because we have each other. She knows I'm unhappy. She knows I'm struggling. She knows I want a different life. And I know she is willing to support my decisions whatever they may be.
Something that has dramatically fallen off since I've gotten sober is my personal hygiene. I don't know why... But often I am skipping basic self care which comes automatic for most. Waking up in the morning, then leaving the house five minutes later, often leads to a day fulling of itching and scratching myself either due to an excess of microscopic mites that i can't see... or just the bacteria that grows on the skin over the course of the day. And when the shower isn't the first thought on the mind when getting home at night... its often forgotten until the next morning when the cycle repeats. I question if my hygiene would improve if i had a different schedule. Getting up at 6:30AM to be out the door for 6:35AM isn't healthy. But due to the combination of my medications, It's damn near impossible to get me out of bed earlier enough to shower, let alone have something meaningful and filling for breakfast.
I've even fallen off on eating. I found that in the last few days the only meal of any worth that I'm having is pasta for dinner. Often either grabbing a donut from Dunkin on the way into work and skipping work... or skipping breakfast and having fast food for lunch. It's not healthy, and it's not good for the body.
I think the only way for things to change, is if I change them. Either by Actively Seeking a new job, say, one closer to home.... or starting some sort of business for myself so that I can generate enough revenue to sustain the household. It's tough when you are making as much money as I am and trying to find a suitable replacement for it. And trying to start your own business when you don't have the capital to finance it properly is next to impossible. I do know that I have at least one income source outside of work that can generate money. Will it make the $1,000 dollars a week that is needed of me to survive? I'm not sure. But i feel like Uber Driving nightly from 7:00pm to 3:00AM might be a better strategy than struggling a job that runs from 6:15 AM to 6:15 PM. 12 hour days are next to impossible to complete long term. It might be something that my coworkers can do easily... But if I'm not healthy enough to do the job, then i should resign. Part of me says don't jump ship until i have something else lined up. But part of me says, take the risk and see where the chips land.
I guess that's the debate of the 39th day of Sober.... To continue on a path of struggle, or to take a risk ON PURPOSE this time... rather than what created this whole mess in January of 2025
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