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Sometimes the best intentions fall flat.

Last night I missed my medication. Not on purpose. My girlfriend and I had gotten a room at a bed and breakfast to celebrate her birthday. After getting out of the jacuzzi I felt really unwell. As a result we decided to take an hour nap afterwards. I found that when I woke up after the hour was over I was dripping in sweet and I was having a hard time remaining awake. I ended up nodding in an out of consciousness for a couple of hours while she was left alone and afraid. Afraid of everything that was going on in the world... and afraid of the bumps and creeks in the old Victorian style B&B. I missed my medication which lead to me waking up several times throughout the night... I woke up before dawn finally and watched the sun rise. Around 7:30am I got up and got dressed to go have a cigarette (Still having trouble quitting). When I came back into the room I started running a bath for her and woke her up. She decided she just wanted to go home. We are now back at my place and she's resting in bed.

I feel guilty that last night wasn't fun. That the news sent her into a thought spiral and that I wasn't there to make her feel safe when she needed it most. All I wanted for her was a relaxing couple of days off before she returned to the nightmare that is her job. She works at a pharmacy and its been slammed since the Corona Virus hysteria started. I am hoping that within a few weeks everything settles back down. She said for my sake... she wants to spend the next seven days apart. That way her mental stress doesn't have an effect on my mental health. In a way I see her point... But I like to be in a protective supportive role to her and I like being able to calm her down and make her smile at the end of a long shift. I have fears that by the end of the week she's not going to want to see me. That by the end of the week she'll forget all about me. I realize these are not realistic thoughts... that they are completely irrational. But its my internal chatter which is fueling these thoughts and while I have a somewhat handle on them... right now I'm a bit worried about what "could" happen. I worried that my hyper paranoid mind is going to start creating scenario in my head that are not true... but I'm unable to escape from them. It's happened before. And it has always resulted in a terrible time for me after the fact. The trick is how am I going to stay focused on what I need to stay healthy... while maintaining positive communication with her... while supporting her along the way. If I can figure that out... i'll be in a much better mental state.

That's all for now,

-T.A. Michaels

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