I think I'm past the worst of it of the withdrawals. While I had been adamant when arguing with my wife previously that i wasn't an alcoholic... i did find the time period between day 3 and day 5 to be the most difficult, with dramatic mood swings and an attitude of Fuck everything. My only advice i have is that if you drink fairly regularly... and do not consider yourself an alcoholic... it might be worth giving up the sauce for a few days to test whether or not you are. If you find you have cold sweats, tremors, or just racing thoughts in general - you'd be wise to quit entirely for a while because that is a sign that your body is addicted to alcohol... even if you stand by the the fact that you are "not" an alcoholic. Remember - the first step is admitting you have a problem.
My mind is in a much better place than it was yesterday, and after having a conversation with my wife yesterday she is going to go easier on me in the future... and i in turn will try to be less harsh with my wording in terms of when she has her mood swings. Having to Bi-Polar individuals in the same household is tough at times... and while I'm medicated with Mood Stabilizers... she is not presently (She only takes an anti-depressant)... so while my mood swings are a lot more subdued.. her fits of anger can escalate a calm conversation to a raging shouting match quickly... even if it's just a misunderstanding that sets her off. It's something i need to be aware of in the moment the next time it happens. So that way there's no issues in the future.
I have a personal project that i am working on now for a friend of mine. He is starting a business in another state is asked for my help on some consulting work. I find it funny that at the end of 2025 i nearly worked at a consulting firm.... but either they thought my resume was bogus.... or i asked for to much money. Either way i figure I'll help anyone with starting a business - much like I've helped those in the past when they've asked.
Now that i am no longer seeing live music on a weekly basis... and on the assumption that the venue i typically went to is closing and/or moving in the next year or so... I feel like i will have a lot more free time on my hands. Ultimately if i can do something productive with that free time it would be best. Work will always be work... the IT industry is rapidly changing with advancements in A.I. and i question what the landscape will look like when i am 50. While i expect a lot of the entry level positions to be filled by the younger generation, i can't help but wonder what 2035 looks like. I'm projected to retire in 2055 (70 years old), which gives me a good 30 years to build up my savings so that my wife and I can live a good life in our golden years.
It's kinda odd to be thinking 30 years out.... when this whole month has been up in the air. Luckily i start my vacation Monday morning at 8am once i am off of my on-call engagement. I have to go for a VIN check on my car, then i have to register my car around 11am on Monday. Tuesday i have a physical which i haven't had since 2024 because i didn't really have an income last year except what i brought in from odd jobs and Uber. If it wasn't for the generosity of people i know... we probably would have already been homeless. While our rent has been paid on time in the past few months... i am still about $2000 shy of getting us on track and ahead of the game. Spending between $50 - $200 a week on live music is damaging to the bottom line. I figure it will take a few months to get back on track financially... But when we do at the end of the month we should have a positive banking balance. I am wondering how much of my past behavior was a result of grief. I had my grandfather die.... and then a guy a knew died of alcohol abuse.. within a year of each other... i know i never cried over either of them. In fact my thoughts turned malicious thinking they got what they deserved. But... in reality that probably caused everything to escalate further down a spiral of depression and addiction. Being angry at dead men does nothing except keep you stuck in place.
Other things i am planning for my vacation are to visit a relative (potentially) on Wednesday or Thursday... take my father to lunch on day... and that's pretty much it. I want to spend sometime at home so that way i can relax. It might not be about sleeping in... But rather just relaxing in general.
Lastly, i know that I'm being targeted. this is outside the normal paranoid delusions i have. My phone(s) and internet have been tapped since a bunch of drug addicts and drug dealers reported me as the mass shooter at brown university in 2025. I know the FBI was following me. and I also know that the police and fire department in my town have been buzzing my house fairly frequently. For instance my wife said she was making dinner for me yesterday... so two fire trucks in my town blocked a lane of the highway stating "Crash" and there was no car or accident on the scene where the fire trucks were blocking the lane. Therefore i cannot trust the police or Fire department in my local town... and i fear in my state. While the urge to call up the same guy that i contacted at the FBI during the shooting incident is high... i feel that would just mean the Rhode Island Mafia would kill me, my wife, my parents, and my sibling within an hour of calling. Instead, I am thinking about contacting the ACLU if this persists. I don't know if i would sue the whole state... or just those that targeted me. Either way... being a disabled overweight guy in their 40s with a birth defect who also survived multiple suicide attempts is hard enough without the whole state spitting on you. If i didn't know any better.. i would swear this is either purgatory or hell and thats why everyone is against me... my only rational thought that says that's NOT true... Due to the fact the moment i get outside the Rhode Island border... people generally treat me better.
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